Breathe Again
by JustShauna
Summary: The time has come for Julian Larson to leave Dalton forever, but will a certain blond haired prefect have something to say? A Light/Jogan fic drawing from the song Breathe Again by Sara Barielles based on CP Coulter's Dalton. Warning for coarse language.


He'd never felt pain quite like this before. The pain before had been sharp, stinging. This pain was crushing him under it's weight. He couldn't breathe. He couldn't do this anymore.

This was why he had to leave. There was only so much fighting one person could do and Julian had reached his limit. It had been hard enough to watch Logan falling for the other two last year, God knows, he'd been around to pick up those jagged pieces. This though, watching him throw himself at the next new kid, not even stopping to glance his way, Julian just wasn't strong enough.

Derek had been furious, of course. He had expected that. Still, Derek had eventually promised that Logan wouldn't be told and Julian trusted him. Logan finding out would only wreak havoc throughout Stuart House and not even Derek was willing to risk that.

Julian sighed as he folded his dress pants carefully and placed them on the top of his suitcase. It was funny, even though he should be feeling relief, the only feeling left inside him was the crushing despair. He picked up a black shirt lying at the back of his closet and froze. This was Logan's shirt. Fuck.

He balled the shirt and threw it at the nearest wall with every ounce of strength he could muster. The shirt hit the wall with a dull thud and Julian sank to his knees. He leaned over and pulled a photograph down onto his knees, wrestling his earphones out of his pocket and shoving them into his ears.

_Car is parked, bags are packed,  
>but what kind of heart doesn't look back<br>At the comfortable glow from the porch, the one I will still call yours?  
><em>

He let his mind wander as his eyes devoured the picture. They were younger here, happier. Logan's eyes still contained that powerful spark that shone out from behind his blonde locks. Julian's fingers traced the arm that draped around his shoulder. They'd been closer then. Less fights, more casual conversations. That had been before the other boys, before Julian had cared so much.

_All those words came undone and now I'm not the only one__  
><em>_Facing the ghosts that decide if the fire inside still burns_

But that was just it. Julian cared too much. He wasn't going to sit around and watch Logan spiral downwards once again. He couldn't watch him go through the same pain that was crushing the breath from his chest every time he tried to inhale.

_All I have, all I need, he's the air I would kill to breathe__  
><em>_Holds my love in his hands, still I'm searching for something__  
><em>_Out of breath, I am left hoping someday I'll breathe again  
>I'll breathe again<em>

He could hear noises, shouting echoing through the hallways. He heard a crash so loud that he could see the wooden panels of his wall tremble a little in the aftermath. He braced himself.

The door flung open, Logan's face flushed, his eyes blazing. They flickered from the suitcase on the bed down to Julian huddled on the floor. Anger flashed across his features.

"What the fuck, Larson? You're _leaving_?"

Julian made his way to his feet and began to do up his suitcase, his back turned to face the blonde boy.

"It's not the first time, Wright."

"It's the first time you're not coming back." Logan's tone was difficult to read. Julian wasn't sure if it was safe to turn around.

"What difference does it make?"

Before he knew it, Logan had spun him on the spot and pressed him up against his bedroom wall.

"Julian," his voice was a growl. "Stop fucking around. What the hell is wrong with you?"

Julian couldn't breathe. He'd pictured this so many times and yet this, this wasn't what he wanted. Logan was angry. Logan didn't understand. He made to shove him off but Logan simply grabbed his wrists and pinned them by his sides.

"Why are you going Jules?" Logan's eyes had lost a little of their rage and Julian could feel them boring into his own, searching his thoughts. He shut his eyes tightly.

One of his wrists was released as fist hit hard wood.

"Sorry, fuck. Sorry. Jules, listen. You can't go. I need you here. I need you to help me. I need you to be my friend."

Julian felt as if the punch had been dealt to his stomach. Suddenly, his entire body was filled with rage. His eyes found Logan's.

"How. _dare._ you." Logan's eyes were puzzled now.

"Jules?"

"How fucking _dare_ you Logan Wright. You want me to stay? You want me to pick you up off the floor every time some fucking soloist pushes you to the ground? Because I'm not going to Logan. I can't. I have been here _every_ fucking time you've needed me. I've dealt with every piece of shit that's come your way but you've never even opened your eyes. Fuck you Logan Wright."

_Open up next to you and my secrets become your truth  
>And the distance between that was sheltering me comes in full view<em>

This time when he shoved Logan away, he didn't meet any resistance. Logan stumbled backwards slightly as Julian pushed his way back to his bed and threw the last pieces of clothing into his case.

"Julian."

Julian pretended not to notice the whisper of a voice that came from behind him. He pulled the leather straps through the buckles sharply.

"Julian." Logan was right behind him now. He shouldn't have said it. The plan was to leave, run, _escape_. What he had shouted had been the exact opposite of the plan. If he had any sense, he would leave now. Run down the hallway to Derek or even to the common room where this conversation couldn't be continued. But he didn't move.

_Hang my head, break my heart built from all I have torn apart_

_And my burden to bear is a love I can't carry anymore_

"Jules." Logan's voice was pleading now. "Jules, look at me."

Using every ounce of willpower left in him he picked up the suitcase and made to leave.

A hand grabbed him again. The grip on his elbow was so tight that every heartbeat sent a pulse of pain down his arm.

That was it. There was no fight left. His eyes met green ones. He couldn't breathe.

_All I have, all I need, he's the air I would kill to breathe  
>Holds my love in his hands, still I'm searching for something<br>Out of breath, I am left hoping someday I'll breathe again_

"You are a fucking idiot," Logan's voice held a hint of frustration as he leaned in closer.

Julian felt his head spinning as he felt Logan's lips press against his. They were hesitant, almost afraid that they had misread the situation.

Julian felt his self control melt away as he felt Logan's tongue tracing the outline of his lips. He pulled Logan to him, fingers tangling in his hair, lips crashing furiously against his. Everything he had went into that kiss, the envy, the heartbreak, the anger, the passion. Every single emotion was bubbling up inside him and spilling into his every movement. His body pressed itself to Logan as if he could weld them together.

_It hurts to be here  
>I only wanted love from you<em>_  
><em>_It hurts to be here  
>What am I gonna do?<em>

Logan responded to Julian's kisses with just as much fervour, fingers raking down his shoulder blades as he tugged Julian closer still. It was a battle of power as each explored the other.

But Julian couldn't do this.

He pulled away and even as he did so it felt so inherently wrong that he thought his legs were about to give way underneath him. He almost gave up right there and pulled Logan back to him, but he resisted. He needed to.

Logan's eyes were a mixture of confusion and lust. His breath was coming in sharp pants as his green eyes bored through Julian's again. Julian just looked back at him with eyes that screamed heartbreak.

"I have to go Logan." Logan's brow creased and the spark of anger flared in his face.

_All I have, all I need, he's the air I would kill to breathe  
>Holds my love in his hands, still I'm searching.<br>_

"What the fuck are you talking about Jules? What are you playing at?" he grabbed his wrists like a dying man grabs a life raft. "I want you to stay. I want you to stay _with me. _Doesn't that mean anything to you? "

_All I have, all I need, he's the air I would kill to breathe  
>Holds my love in his hands, still I'm searching for something<em>

Julian felt like his lungs were going to explode, the pressure in his chest was close to unbearable at this point. But he knew he had to do this, for himself.

"Logan, tell me _why_ you want to me to stay."

Logan was silent for a moment before he answered, his voice angry, hurt and confused.

"Because this is where you belong. I need you here with me, Jules. You're my friend."

Julian looked into the green eyes again, this time with a look of weary regret.

"That's just it Logan, you don't. You don't need me like I need you. You still need to get over the others." Logan made to interrupt him but Julian continued. "You still love Kurt, Lo. Don't think I can't see that when I look at you. I can't be the rebound guy. I owe that to myself."

Julian pulled away and turned back to his suitcase.

"Julian." Logan's voice was barely a whisper and even still Julian heard it cracking. "Julian, _please_. You can't leave me after this. _Stay with me._"

Julian sighed and turned back to face the boy. He was shocked at the tears that were rolling down his cheeks. But this was what he had to do.

"I love you, Logan. When you're ready, call me. I'll come running." He pressed a kiss lightly to his cheek and made his way past him through the door.

_Out of breath, I am left hoping someday  
>I'll breathe again<em>

He didn't know how his feet were still moving. He didn't know how he made his way through the halls of Stuart and out the front door. He did know that he couldn't look back. He didn't know what he would do if Logan was watching him, or worse, if he wasn't._  
><em>

_I'll breathe again_

He made it all the way to the far side of the courtyard and passed through a crumbling archway before he lost it. Great, racking sobs shook his body as he collapsed on the ground. He pulled in the air from around him, clutching his chest as he felt the pain stabbing through his heart.

_I'll breathe again_

After what seemed like hours, Julian had managed to calm his sobs. The tears still flowed freely down his face but these were new tears. Tears of relief. He had done it. He was strong.

_I'll breathe again_

Julian made his way cautiously to his feet, wondering how long this new peace could possibly last. He threw one one last look back in the direction he came and made his way to the main gate.

_I'll breathe again  
><em>

As he climbed into the back seat of the waiting car, he pulled out his iPhone and scrolled through until he found his number.

"Hello?"

"Clark. Sorry man, did I wake you?"

"Nah, I was up running lines. What's up?"

"Do you mind if I stay in your place for a few days? I really need a break."

_I'll breathe again_

Before he allowed himself to fall back against the headrest and escape into sleep, he flicked through his phone one more time. When the text was sent, he pulled his earphones out of his coat and turned the volume up as loud as it would go.

A few miles behind him, a blonde haired boy, clutching a black shirt and a crumpled photograph, jumped as his phone lit up.


End file.
